Sunday, April 1, 2012

On Loneliness & Questions Without An Answer

One of the most annoying things about writing is when you cannot articulate how you feel in words and phrases. The emotional spectrum of human beings is far larger and wider than the vocabulary provided by the English language. This does not take into consideration the abundance of medical and psychological terms, because while these may manage to describe symptoms and statuses, they fail to reflect the true essence of the state: the emotion.

I am currently faced with a monumental task here, that of describing how I feel. Some readers might find this a bit redundant, since my very first post was entirely about my thoughts and feelings, and how they figure into the process of writing. But, it's been some time now, and I'm more confident in my capability to write. What is suspect at the moment is my capability to discern how I feel.

What bothers me at the moment, is the fact that I feel immensely alone. This is not an attempt to whine, nor is it a cry for help, sympathy or pity. It is simply a statement, a fact about my own emotions. I used to blame that upon the lack of friends, at a point where I realized that there exists a massive difference between friends and acquaintances, and what you can expect from either (a disquieting, but very insidious difference), but even when I managed to largely classify the people I know, I still feel lonely. This bothers me, because of the dichotomy of human existence; we are largely social creatures, we function in groups of various sizes, and we desire people to be around us, we draw strength, approval and so many other things out of them. Yet, at the same time, we're encouraged to be independent, non-reliant upon others, and we're always told that people will disappoint us when we need them the most.

This inevitably makes you wonder; so, are people good to be around? Or, are they bad and we simply shouldn't spend time around them? Of course, the safest answer is that it entirely depends on the people you surround yourself with, some are good, others aren't so good.

Goddamn, this is turning rather whiny quite fast.

But, back to the main point. I'm feeling lonely, and not due to a lack of friends. I realized that when I started thinking 'Okay, so do I want person X to be here so I could hang out with them?', and my answer was 'Nah, not really.' So, I started ticking people off my list, and the further I went, the clearer the image became.

My loneliness isn't just a mental situation. It is one of the mind and soul. Now, this might seem immensely hyperbolic (or, for lack of a better term, totally bonkers) to you, but it is exactly how I feel. This goes beyond the regular underpinnings of friendly interaction. I actually yearn for someone who brings peace of mind to me. Someone around which you feel that things aren't so bad after all. I do not even say that I desire love, or the perfect woman or anything of the sort. I simply wish for a companion, with whom I could share my thoughts and worries as well as theirs, and actually feel their concern.

Of course, there is no indication as to whether this might change soon, or even in a few months or years, but I admit that it becomes increasingly difficult to deal with.

Not that there's anything I could do about it, but I wanted to get it off my chest; perhaps that might be slightly helpful.

1 comment:

  1. Another exceptionally well written piece. I can quite relate to how you're feeling, I've been there. I hope I wasn't one of the people you crossed off that list. :D

    On a serious note, I totally agree on the good/bad people thing. I have a list as well. It gets easier with time. :)